the transition from student into adulthood has been an exhausting one. these past couple of years have felt so incredibly dramatic, so out of body. my life, up until my final semester in college feels so smooth compared to the journey i have most recently been on.
my photo above is one of the final images i pulled from my computer before my hard drive of six years gave out. every time i see this image my heart aches. it aches less and less, but still, it aches. my final photographs of my grandmother, gone. our summer family road trip... our weekend in chicago arranging with foxglove studio... hundreds of unedited unresolved images... gone, everything is gone.
it has been a process of acceptance. up until this point it has felt numb. with my memory fading i only have enough room in my skull for a tiny glimpse of the life i have lead. if i focus on the breath and close my eyes a tingle shoots through my body. it starts from the top of my head, shivering through my sinuses and down, down with the energy shooting out at my knees, leaving my toes still and lifeless.
feeling many emotions, always, it is a struggle to differentiate and communicate. generally there is an undesired current of isolation. it drags and tugs, it wraps around my ankles attempting to pull me under. it rarely does. my foothold in the sand is secure enough to keep my head above the crest. nevertheless when the current is strong and a storm breaks catching me off guard, my fate is inevitable. i am ready for this season of solace to end.